Romans 1:16

For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: For it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greeks. Romans 1:16 (KJV)

I want to know the bible, every passage and phrase. Each verse of each chapter. If this is my meager excuse for heritage and culture I will eat it up. I will digest each word. As though the word of god were bread. As though I could gain strength. As if each testament would only bring me closer to the secrets I hide from myself. I want to believe.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 KJV

they say there is a whole in my heart. a gap in my soul. such a space between myself and real love that the son of god died for me. if i refuse to believe then off to hell i go. hand basket and all. how can such an explanation bring comfort? how can it be so black or white, so right or wrong? so blessed or so damned? knowing that Christianity -- the very building blocks of my life -- is myth brings no comfort either. it brings on insanity, pain, distrust, emptiness but never comfort, never peace. i do sometimes wish i could have found my answers within the story i was told as a child. believe that i could save myself from the nothingness that death most certainly brings. but, sometimes i wish i could find solace in the bottom of bottle, yet i cant seem to choke that down either. all these things god, religion, booze, drugs, relationships, sex, children seem to be designed to distract us from the reality that we cant seem to face. we are all going to die, if there is a god it doesn't care and has long forgotten about us all. there is birth, there is life, there is death and then there is nothing. all i want is some peace. all i want is to understand why my belief died. why i couldn't just close my eyes like so many others around me. why i still just cant seem to believe in anything. i believe i am hollow. just like everyone else. i don't claim to be able to see while all others are blind. all i'm saying is that i see a lie. i won't believe it, i cannot believe it.